Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
