everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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