Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
