Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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