my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
