I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
