Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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