Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it glows. i had to have it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
