I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You're like the curious george of whores
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
