I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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