Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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