My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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