I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
