i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
