Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
