So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
