we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You ruined the universe
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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