i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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