When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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