you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
