it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
