woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
