i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
