Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
