i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
