I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
