Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
