ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
