She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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