Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
