I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
