She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
