You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
