If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
