im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
