did you get engaged???
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
