Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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