I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize