standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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