Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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