They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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