my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
