When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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