So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
