Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
