I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
