Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
