whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
