No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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