so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
