i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
