Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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