Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
