Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
