I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
