I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize