dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
